Big Ten football fans…we’re back for another round of roasting the B1G conference.

Let’s dive in.

Big Ten Football Roast: East Division 

Indiana (Overall: 1-1; B1G: 0-1)

SP+ rank: Overall 79th, Offense 77th, Defense 76th, Special Teams 33rd

Previous week’s result: (W) vs. Indiana State, 41-7

Thoughts: I have legitimately zero thoughts on Indiana’s big win over Larry Bird’s alma mater. I do have some thoughts about college football scheduling, however! The Hoosiers and Louisville Cardinals meet this weekend in Indy for a fun non-conference matchup between two teams that are close geographically and have some general (mostly basketball related) enmity between them.

They were also scheduled to play again next year…but IU announced that they were scrapping that meeting and will most likely schedule an FCS team instead. From the viewpoint of a neutral fan that wants to see fun football, I think this stinks! Power 5 teams should play other Power 5 teams in non-conference games because it is way more FUN that way!! Just look at ::holds back vomit:: Washington State this past weekend!!!

Does Indiana have a talented roster compared to the rest of the Big Ten? No.

Do Tom Allen teams execute the little things needed to overcome the talent disparities? Also no.

— Chris Schutte (@ChrisSchutte3) September 9, 2023

However, I also understand why Indiana and Cowardly Tom Allen are doing this. They want to make a bowl game and a game against Indiana State or whoever is far more likely to be a win than one against Louisville. I hope the Quick Lane Bowl Participants trophy looks nice in the IU football offices, Tom!

Up next: Saturday, Sept. 16, vs. Louisville, 11 a.m. CT, BTN (Indianapolis; Lucas Oil Field)

Maryland (Overall: 2-0; B1G: 0-0)

SP+ rank: Overall 34th, Offense 45th, Defense 29th, Special Teams 45th

Previous week’s result: (W) vs. Charlotte, 38-20

Thoughts: It really looked like Charlotte was going to do it there for about a quarter and a half! Down 14-0 at the end of the first, thanks to two Charlotte touchdowns in 10 seconds, the Terps were staring down the barrel of a pretty embarrassing loss. Well, over the next 44 minutes of game time Maryland outscored the 49ers 38-0 and put an end to all of that upset talk. I’m not overflowing with confidence about the Terps…but that was a pretty nice answer to an upset bid.

Up next: Friday, Sept. 15, vs. Virginia, 6 p.m. CT, FS1

Michigan (Overall: 2-0; B1G: 0-0)

SP+ rank: Overall 3rd, Offense 14th, Defense 3rd, Special Teams 36th

Previous week’s result: (W) vs. UNLV, 35-7

Thoughts: PLAY A CHALLENGING NON-CONFERENCE GAME FOR ONCE IN YOUR GOD FORSAKEN LIVES YOU DISGUSTING COWARDS!

michigan being good is going to make me more insufferable than i already am (and like, i’m not great to start with). i’m going to lose friends and make new enemies. it’s gonna be great

— seltzerbird 🦅 fly eagles fly (@seltzermom) September 9, 2023

Up next: Saturday, Sept. 16 vs. Bowling Green, 6:30 p.m. CT, BTN

Michigan State (Overall: 2-0; B1G: 0-0)

SP+ rank: Overall 37th, Offense 55th, Defense 21st, Special Teams 7th

Previous week’s result: (W) vs. Richmond, 45-14

Thoughts: Things are about as ugly as possible in East Lansing right now. Head coach Mel Tucker has been accused of sexually harassing Brenda Tracy, a prominent sexual assault awareness speaker who travels around the country talking to college audiences (often sports teams) about how to, uh, not commit sexual assault, and has been suspended indefinitely without pay.

The details of this story came out late Saturday night due to some excellent reporting by the USA Today and Tucker’s suspension was announced on Sunday evening. Since then, both Tucker and Tracy have given statements. Tucker doubled down on his innocence and stated that the nature of his and Tracy’s relationship was consensual. Tracy responded by saying Tucker was using a strategy known as DARVO, which stands for “deny, attack and reverse victim and offender.”

Tucker’s most recent statement already has some discrepancies from his earlier interviews with MSU’s Title IX office and he has about 80 million reasons to muddy up the waters here so he doesn’t get fired for cause. Oh, did you forget Tucker’s preposterous 10-year, $95 million contract that he signed two years ago is fully guaranteed? This is going to get worse wayyyyy before it gets better.

It is extremely brave of Tracy to publicly accuse a powerful man in college sports, a place not known for its decent treatment of sexual assault survivors, and I hope that over time she is able to find peace about this.

Up next: Saturday, Sept. 16, vs. No. 8 Washington, 4 p.m. CT, Peacock

Ohio State (Overall: 2-0; B1G: 1-0)

SP+ rank: Overall 2nd, Offense 7th, Defense 5th, Special Teams 55th

Previous week’s result: (W) vs. Youngstown State, 35-7

Thoughts: Another unimpressive showing for the Buckeyes. At least Kyle McCord was named the starting QB moving forward and he remembered that he had the best receivers in the country to throw to. 

Marvin Harrison Jr. (seven catches, 160 yards, two touchdowns) is a Problem and Emeka Egbuka added five receptions for 94 yards and a score himself. If this is how OSU is going to play the rest of the season, and isn’t just them knocking the rust off from the offseason, they might lose two games in conference play this year. Will that finally be enough to can Ryan Day’s candy ass? Hopefully not! He stinks!!

Up next: Saturday, Sept. 16, vs. Western Kentucky, 3 p.m. CT, FOX

Penn State (Overall: 2-0; B1G: 0-0)

SP+ rank: Overall 4th, Offense 12th, Defense 4th, Special Teams 105th

Previous week’s result: (W) vs. Delaware, 63-7

Thoughts: I am so excited to be back in Madison this weekend for the Georgia Southern game. I had season football tickets all throughout my (lengthy) college career and then for a number of years after graduation, even when I moved to Chicago. However, now that I live in the Twin Cities and have two children it is increasingly difficult to get to more than one game a year and some years not even that many. This year a number of friends I haven’t seen in years will also be in town and it will be like a mini-homecoming just for people I know. This is one thing that TV executives can’t take away from us with their wild realignment plans…college football has always been way more than just the game on the field. It is about a feeling of being home even in a place you haven’t been in for years. It is about going to the same tailgate you went to a decade ago and being welcomed like you were just there last week. It is singing the same songs that your parents did and your kids will. It is about the state of Wisconsin as a whole and I couldn’t be more pumped to experience it all again on Saturday.

Penn State beat Delaware like a drum and ran out of this formation. Yes! Ha Ha Ha Yes!

pic.twitter.com/1EwY9WkWQQ

— no context college football (@nocontextcfb) September 9, 2023

Up next: Saturday, Sept. 16, at Illinois, 11 a.m. CT, FOX

Rutgers (Overall: 2-0; B1G: 1-0)

SP+ rank: Overall 59th, Offense 80th, Defense 37th, Special Teams 43rd

Previous week’s result: (W) vs. Temple, 36-7

Thoughts: Does Rutgers have something cooking this year? Two games and two blowout wins has me at least looking at them differently than during the preseason. Now, beating Northwestern and Temple at home isn’t exactly beating 2001 Miami and 2019 LSU…but still, when you’re Rutgers you take what the schedule gives you. Virginia Tech isn’t as good as they’ve been historically, but if the Scarlet Knights beat them you have to consider them the best 3-0 team in New Jersey.

Up next: Saturday, Sept. 16, vs. Virginia Tech, 2:30 p.m. CT, BTN

Now, onto the Big Ten West…