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B1G Roast Season Preview

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8 months ago

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Big Ten Football
Sep 1, 2018; University Park, PA, USA; A detailed view of the Big Ten logo on the field prior to the game between the Appalachian State Mountaineers and the Penn State Nittany Lions at Beaver Stadium. Mandatory Credit: Matthew O'Haren-USA TODAY Sports

Big Ten football is back.

College football, which started last weekend but has its first full slate of games this weekend, is back in our lives and I couldn’t be more excited. While for many of us (probably you if you’re reading this) college football is a year round sport, there are definitely some times in July where you think the sport might never come back and you might never wear a hoodie and shorts again.

This offseason, and seemingly every other one recently, contained enough off-the-field news to last a lifetime. There were gambling scandals at Iowa and Iowa State (bad?), major conference realignment resulting in the death of the Pac-12 (bad!), hazing investigations at Northwestern (worse!!), and probably some good news too but who has time for that? Hazing is a problem that permeates a lot of college life, honestly. I was in a fraternity at Wisconsin and it wasn’t big on hazing, but most (all?) of the other ones were. There are other clubs and sports teams on campus that also presumably have their own sort of “initiation” that is just hazing shrouded as “team building.” Hazing is degrading, mentally and physically scarring, and oftentimes criminal. It can lead to injuries or death and anyone who defends it is a cro-magnon with a smaller temporal lobe.

I am not a “stick to sports” type of writer, but it is always nice when there is ON-the-field stuff to discuss along with whatever fresh hell has sprung up off the field. 

We are entering the last year of divisions in the Big Ten and our Wisconsin Badgers will be looking to win the final West title, just like they won the inaugural West title…and the first Leaders Division (RIP) title too. UW hasn’t won the division since 2019 (embarrassing) and the West has NEVER won the conference (lmao giga-embarrassing), so there are multiple wrongs for Wisconsin to try and right this season. The Badgers also have rivalry trophies to win back from the loathsome Gophers and despicable Hawkeyes. Sheesh, that’s a lot on Luke Fickell’s plate in Year 1.

Nationally, Georgia is looking to win their third straight national title, Texas is back (parody), USC’s Caleb Williams will try and win back-to-back Heisman Trophies, the Pac-12 and its crop of outstanding quarterbacks is in its final year of existence, Sam Houston State and Jacksonville State are in their first seasons of FBS football, Deion Sanders has changed out an entire FBS roster at Colorado, and teams like UTSA, Tulane, Boise State, and Toledo will try and muscle their way into the top-10 by year’s end.

Friends, we are SO back. Let’s get to the first B1G Roast of the season!

Big Ten Football East Division

Indiana (Overall: 0-0; B1G: 0-0)

SP+ rank: Overall 121st, Offense 106th, Defense 121st, Special Teams n/a

Previous week’s result: it was the offseason, baby!

Thoughts: Like most everyone in the world, I have blocked out the 2020 college football season from my memory. As far as I’m concerned it didn’t happen and anyone who tries to say otherwise is gaslighting you. However, one thing that very much DID happen that year is Indiana being ranked in the top-10 for multiple weeks! They were the No. 9 team in the country, went into the Horseshoe, and almost beat freaking Ohio State that year!!!

They started 2021 ranked No. 17, people thought Tom Allen had the Hoosiers on the upswing, and they were ready to prove that the weird COVID season wasn’t a fluke. Well,,,,,IU has now gone 6-18 over the past two seasons and this year looks to be more of the same.

IU has eight returning starters back from last year’s 4-8 outfit and it is unclear if any of the new players they brought in are an upgrade. Their QB situation is an absolute mystery and Allen is guarding it like he’s Max Klesmit on the final possession of a two-point game. I’ve never coached a real college football team, but I’m going to go ahead and say Ohio State, Indiana’s opening week opponent lmao, is not losing any sleep over which overmatched loser Allen sends out there under center. The Hoosiers are ALSO doing this with their starting kicker! Incredible. They should do it for every position tbqh.

This game is going to be a bloodbath.

Up next: Saturday, Sept. 2, vs. No. 3 Ohio State, 2:30 p.m. CT, CBS

Maryland (Overall: 0-0; B1G: 0-0)

SP+ rank: Overall 41st, Offense 47th, Defense 27th, Special Teams n/a

Previous week’s result: it was the offseason, baby!

Thoughts: Look, I know what you’re thinking…Maryland does this just about every year. They get off to a hot start against weak opponents, they beat one P5 team that kinda stinks, they enter conference play 4-0 and ranked, like, 24th, and then they completely piss down their legs and are lucky if they win six games total. But I’m here to tell you that this time? This time will be different, friends.

The Terps are gonna be kinda good this year! Taulia Tagovailoa (whose name I don’t even have to look up how to spell anymore, thank you very much) could be the best quarterback in the Big Ten and he has a whole host of weapons at his disposal on offense. I like their linebackers a lot and I think there is some talent in the secondary as well. Add all that to a Charmin-soft schedule (only OSU, PSU, and Michigan should be favored against Maryland this year) and you’ve got a recipe for a nine-win season! 

However, there is one caveat here and, quite frankly, it’s a big one. They are extremely inexperienced in the trenches on both sides of the ball. They’ve brought in some talented transfers on the o-line, but all from lower level teams, and the transfers on the d-line were all highly regarded coming out of high school but have yet to show anything in college. Anyways, don’t worry about any of that. I’m sure Mike Locksley has everything under control.

Up next: Saturday, Sept. 2, vs. Towson, 2:30 p.m. CT, BTN

Michigan (Overall: 0-0; B1G: 0-0)

SP+ rank: Overall 3rd, Offense 7th, Defense 4th, Special Teams n/a

Previous week’s result: it was the offseason, baby!

Thoughts: Holy hell was cheering for these d-bags to beat Ohio State two times in a row a big mistake. These people are insufferable! The Wolverines are back-to-back Big Ten champions and you’d think, by the way Michigan Men are talking, that 2021 wasn’t their first conference title in nearly two decades. It is important to note that both Michigan State and Wisconsin won three B1G football titles between the time it took Michigan to win another one after 2004 (which they split with Iowa lmao).

The University of Michigan is a loathsome institution that produced the worst person at your office, Juwan Howard, and the Unabomber. They have billions and billions of dollars but won’t give their grad students liveable wages and their 100,000+ seat stadium is as quiet as a morgue. They stink and I hate them.

All that being said, the Wolverines should be pretty dang good this year and that is just the worst news I’ve heard in a while. Their running backs are incredible, the offensive line might be even better than the running backs, and their defense has playmakers all over the field. We haven’t even talked about QB J.J. McCarthy or the wide receivers yet! Ugh, this season is going to suck. At least their graphic design department is firing on all cylinders. 

Up next: Saturday, Spet. 2, vs. ECU, 11 a.m. CT, Peacock (good luck to Michigan grandparents finding this game)

Michigan State (Overall: 0-0; B1G: 0-0)

SP+ rank: Overall 46th, Offense 62nd, Defense 30th, Special Teams n/a

Previous week’s result: it was the offseason, baby!

Thoughts: An incredible dumpster fire of a program. Mel Tucker stinks and is literally robbing MSU blind after having one (1) good season thanks to catching lightning in a bottle with Kenneth Walker at tailback. Former UW running back Jalen Berger is probably their best offensive player and while there are a few nice pieces on defense this squad should be in the running for one of the worst in the conference. 

MSU is such a funny program because they’ve had some real success over the past decade and were, at one point, a burgeoning rival for Wisconsin. Now, however, I only think about the Spartans when their players are getting into fistfights in the tunnel of Michigan Stadium. Sad!

Up next: Friday, Sept. 1, vs. Central Michigan, 6 p.m. CT, FS1

Ohio State (Overall: 0-0; B1G: 0-0)

SP+ rank: Overall 2nd, Offense 1st, Defense 12th, Special Teams n/a

Previous week’s result: it was the offseason, baby!

Thoughts: The Buckeyes are the most talented team in the conference and one of the five most talented in the nation. This is undeniable. Another undeniable fact is that the Bucks are one of the softest teams in the conference and, probably, the country. The last two seasons they’ve been manhandled by Michigan on both sides of the ball and there’s nothing to lead me to believe that anything has changed this year. Somehow a team that has lost seven games over the past five seasons has become a laughing stock thanks in large part to their strength and conditioning program being in shambles.

OSU plays Notre Dame on the road (should be a big win, ND stinks), Wisconsin on the road (should be a win, Wisconsin doesn’t have the horses yet), and Michigan on the road (should be a loss until proven otherwise). Those three games (and if we’re being honest it’s really only The Game) will decide OSU’s season and whether or not it’s a success. If Ryan Day loses to Michigan for the third straight season do the Bucks look to make a coaching change? If they lose two games…Day will have to go into witness protection.

Up next: Saturday, Sept. 2, at Indiana, 2:30 p.m. CT, CBS

Penn State (Overall: 0-0; B1G: 0-0)

SP+ rank: Overall 6th, Offense 22nd, Defense 5th, Special Teams n/a

Previous week’s result: it was the offseason, baby!

Thoughts: I don’t have many thoughts on Penn State. They’ll probably win, like, nine games and Drew Allar should be fun to watch under center, but nothing they do matters until they can beat one (1) of Michigan or Ohio State. What I DO have thoughts on is this tweet about what happened at a White Sox game last week. 

How do metal detectors work if they can’t tell that a fat person has a gun on them?!? When I was in high school I had major surgery on my chest. I had a metal bar inserted to pop my sternum out and they gave me a MedicAlert bracelet for going to the airport because it might set off the metal detectors there. AND THAT WAS FULLY INSIDE OF MY BODY! What are they even there for????? It does bring up a whole new way of smuggling things into stadiums however. How many mini-bottles of whiskey can you fit in your fat rolls when it’s cold out and you have three layers on? Probably a baker’s dozen!

Up next: Saturday, Sept. 2, vs. West Virginia, 6:30 p.m. CT, NBC

Rutgers (Overall: 0-0; B1G: 0-0)

SP+ rank: Overall 77th, Offense 99th, Defense 60th, Special Teams n/a

Previous week’s result: it was the offseason, baby!

Thoughts: I don’t think “Rutgers football” is actually a real thing. Not looking into this any further.

Up next: Sunday, Sept. 3, vs. Northwestern, 11 a.m. CT, CBS

Big Ten Football West Division

Illinois (Overall: 0-0; B1G: 0-0)

SP+ rank: Overall 43rd, Offense 82nd, Defense 7th, Special Teams n/a

Previous week’s result: it was the offseason, baby!

Thoughts: You know what? Bret Bielema is a pretty good coach. I know he’s not particularly liked around Madison, but I’m going to say something controversial: I’d rather have him as coach than Paul Chryst. You may remember last season that the Illini walked into Camp Randall Stadium and absolutely curb-stomped the Badgers (leading to Chryst being fired the following week) on their way to a 7-1 start. Ranked as high as No. 14 in the nation at one point, Illinois finished the year losing three of their last four regular season games and then dropping the ReliaQuest Bowl to Ole Miss.

I think Illinois had a very good season last year, but I can’t help but look at the way they ended it and seeing a team that still hasn’t quite figured it out. Their incredible secondary lost four players (three NFL Draft picks), star RB Chase Brown (NFL) is gone, and their quarterback room is young and unproven. Their defensive line (and OLB Gabe Jacas) is going to cause many sleepless nights for opposing offensive line coaches and their own o-line is one of the better ones in the Big Ten, so I see a pretty high floor for them. But…I also see a pretty low ceiling.

Bielema definitely has the Illini trending upwards, but they might have been ahead of schedule last year. I’m positive that Wisconsin has their Oct. 21 trip to Champaign circled on the calendar though. Should be a fun one.

Up next: Saturday, Sept. 2, vs. Toledo, 6:30 p.m. CT, BTN

Iowa (Overall: 0-0; B1G: 0-0)

SP+ rank: Overall 22nd, Offense 79th, Defense 1st, Special Teams n/a

Previous week’s result: it was the offseason, baby!

Thoughts: Let me propose a hypothetical situation to you here. Say you are at your job, a job that you only got because your dad is the boss but don’t worry you don’t report directly to him because that would be nepotism and we can’t have that now can we? Ok, sorry. Say you are at your job and at your annual review you receive a $50,000 pay DECREASE and are given an extremely low performance objective, albeit one you haven’t reached the past two years, to hit as well as one barely above average team target (that the team has reached every year since 2012) to hit. Oh, and by the way, if you don’t hit them your contract won’t be renewed for next year. Oh, and by the way again, the first performance objective’s results can be helped by the other side of your office. A side that you have zero say in and can literally only help you keep your job.

Would you say that this is a good thing? Would you think that you are doing a good job at your, uh, job?

Unrelated, Iowa offensive coordinator has brought in former Michigan QB Cade McNamara (or former Wisconsin QB Deacon Hill if McNamara gets hurt!) to helm the historically underwhelming and, quite frankly, disgusting to watch Hawkeyes offense this year. Are those the two guys you’d want to trust when you need to average 25 points per game (defensive/special teams touchdowns included!) and your job on the line? 

Also, a bunch of their players were named in a gambling probe this offseason and are facing, potentially, season-long suspensions. Lmaoooo this program is hilarious.

Up next: Saturday, Sept. 2, vs. Utah State, 11 a.m. CT, FS1

Minnesota (Overall: 0-0; B1G: 0-0)

SP+ rank: Overall 27th, Offense 57th, Defense 9th, Special Teams n/a

Previous week’s result: it was the offseason, baby!

Thoughts: Many will read this as me being a Hater, but I think Minnesota is going to suck major butt this year. I don’t see any of their defensive units being better/as good as their counterpart last year and now that teams have seen QB Athan Kaliakmanis (who, to be fair, torched Wisconsin last year) I don’t think he’ll be any better than Tanner Morgan. Despite losing Mo Ibrahim and Trey Potts, I assume that Minnesota will have an above average rushing attack and their receivers should be decent too…but the o-line will be worse and their schedule is TOUGH (at UNC in non-con and draw Michigan/OSU/MSU from the B1G East).

P.J. Fleck is a humongous douchebag and I hope he always feels like a horsefly is landing on his leg so he swats at it but there’s actually nothing there.

Up next: Thursday, Aug. 31, vs. Nebraska, 7 p.m. CT, FOX

Nebraska (Overall: 0-0; B1G: 0-0)

SP+ rank: Overall 59th, Offense 68th, Defense 38th, Special Teams n/a

Previous week’s result: it was the offseason, baby!

Thoughts: The biggest game of the season at Memorial Stadium has already taken place with the Huskers volleyball team playing Omaha in front of 90,000 fans. That, and I’m being earnest here, is incredible and I love it for Nebraska, the sport of volleyball, and the Big Ten as a whole. Volleyball is such a fun sport to watch and, if you didn’t know, the No. 1 ranked Wisconsin Badgers happen to be quite good at it. You should definitely check it out if you haven’t yet. I know this is “faint praise,” but it is 100x better than anything Nebraska football has had to offer in a decade. 

Nebraska has a new head coach this year. Really a shame for the Huskers to do that on Scott Frost Day, of all days!

Up next: Thursday, Aug. 31, at Minnesota, 7 p.m. CT, FOX

Northwestern (Overall: 0-0; B1G: 0-0)

SP+ rank: Overall 85th, Offense 124th, Defense 29th, Special Teams n/a

Previous week’s result: it was the offseason, baby!

Thoughts: ::wakes up from three month long coma:: So, this should be an easy section to write! Northwestern never really does much in the offseason. They should have a bad offense and a better than expected defense thanks to Pat Fitzger

::assistant comes rushing in, out of breath, and hands me a note::

Oh. Oh my, that isn’t good at all!

Up next: Sunday, Sept. 3, at Rutgers, 11 a.m. CT, CBS

Purdue (Overall: 0-0; B1G: 0-0)

SP+ rank: Overall 58th, Offense 53rd, Defense 55th, Special Teams n/a

Previous week’s result: it was the offseason, baby!

Thoughts: Did you know that Purdue won the Big Ten West last year? It is literally my job to know this and I doubt I could’ve told you yesterday! While that news may shock you, the fact that the Boilermakers lost to Wisconsin last year shouldn’t. UW hasn’t lost to them since 2003 after all. If it weren’t for Northwestern and Indiana, these Boilermakers would easily be the worst team in the conference. They’ve got a new coach, a new QB, lost their top two leading receivers, and have one of the hardest schedules in the nation. 

Things are so bad in West Lafayette that a potential starting cornerback JUST transferred out! While I am wholeheartedly “pro player empowerment,” Ryan isn’t wrong when he describes this move as “scummy.” This season is going to be a trainwreck for them. ::pats self on back for train reference in Purdue section::

Up next: Saturday, Sept. 2, vs. Fresno State, 11 a.m. CT, BTN

Wisconsin (Overall: 0-0; B1G: 0-0)

SP+ rank: Overall 19th, Offense 43rd, Defense 10th, Special Teams n/a

Previous week’s result: it was the offseason, baby!

Thoughts: This is the most excited I’ve been for a Wisconsin football season to start in a long time. It isn’t even excitement that I think UW can “make the CFP” or “win the Big Ten,” but it is the excitement of the new and unknown. The Badgers have often been an extremely insular program, only hiring coaches they know or have prior relationships with and recruiting a few familiar areas. To be fair to them, I don’t blame them for being a little gun shy about change after the Great Gary Andersen Experiment blew up in their face…but it was definitely time to try something new again.

Luke Fickell IS new, but I don’t think he is all that different from the coaches that came before him in Madison. He’s a Midwestern bred, Big Ten raised, multi-sport standout that likes to let his team’s play on the field do the talking. That’s an archetype Wisconsin fans can get behind, right?

Will things be different? Brother, you bet they will! Hiring Phil Longo as offensive coordinator guarantees it. There was no fullback listed on the Week 1 depth chart for the first time in Wisconsin’s history (do not fact check) and the influx of transfers will have fans checking their programs more often than in the past, but I also expect we’ll see many familiar things on gamedays. The defense will still be stout and nasty, the offensive line is still massive and nasty, and there will still be plenty of times where UW lines up to Run The Damn Ball down some poor, overmatched opponent. 

When UW takes the field against Buffalo on Saturday afternoon at Camp Randall, there will be plenty of familiar sights, smells, and feelings throughout the stadium. But, for the first time in a long time, there will be the anticipation of something unexpected. Something new. Something that could take Wisconsin football to the mysterious “next level” of the sport. I don’t know about you, but that sounds God damned exciting to me.

Up next: Saturday, Sept. 2, vs. Buffalo, 2:30 p.m. CT, FS1

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Drew Hamm is a seasoned sports journalist with an extensive background in covering the Wisconsin Badgers. He has previously held positions as the site manager at Bucky's 5th Quarter and founder of Badgers Ball Knower. Currently, he contributes as a staff writer for BadgerNotes.com.

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