The first week of real college football was a great one. There were upsets, fantastic finishes, and THEY BROUGHT BACK THE OLD BIG TEN MAP MUSIC! Finally, our long national nightmare is over. With the addition of four west coast teams next year, this may be the last season of this commercial that we all know and love. If that’s true, at least it’s going out with a bang.
The Big Ten West is more back than it has ever been. None of the teams looked any good in Week 1 and all of them look poised to win (and lose) in hilarious, mind-bending fashion this season. Most people don’t understand B1G West football, but I know you, dear reader, aren’t most people. You appreciate this division for what it gives us: stout defense, pinpoint punting, and baffling QB play.
::wipes tear from eye::
I’ll truly miss it next year when it’s gone.
Everyone agrees, the Big Ten Wes is best!
Big Ten East
Indiana (Overall: 0-1; B1G: 0-1)
SP+ rank: Overall 85th, Offense 92nd, Defense 82nd, Special Teams 27th
Previous week’s result: (L) vs. No. 3 Ohio State, 23-3
Thoughts: You know, all things considered…Indiana did pretty well against Ohio State on Saturday! Sure they only scored three points, and Ohio State’s win probability never dipped below 90%, and neither of the quarterbacks could throw the ball, and nobody could run the ball, and they only gained 153 total yards in the whole game, and they had eight penalties for 75 yards, but, uh…well…they still did better than I thought they would!
IU was only down 10-3 at halftime and, quite frankly, their defense was giving OSU fits! They held All-Galaxy wide receiving duo Marvin Harrison Jr. and Emeka Egbuka to a combined five catches and 34 yards and they also picked off Kyle McCord once. The Hoosiers are not going to be very good this season, but if Week 1 was any indication they also won’t be an automatic win, even for the best teams in the conference. If my favorite team’s official Twitter account posted something like this I would walk into a lake, never to be heard from again. Holy crap that’s embarrassing.
Up next: Friday, Sept. 8, vs. Indiana State, 6 p.m. CT, BTN
Maryland (Overall: 1-0; B1G: 0-0)
SP+ rank: Overall 30th, Offense 44th, Defense 21st, Special Teams 72nd
Previous week’s result: (W) vs. Towson, 38-6
Thoughts: Burning Man, if you don’t know, is an annual festival in the Nevada desert comprised solely of rich, tech d-bags from Silicon Valley supposedly focused on “community, art, self-expression, and self-reliance.” This year, torrential downpours stranded most attendees in the desert, where these very same attendees damaged the playa trying to escape by leaving trash buried in the mud, and there was a rumored Ebola outbreak which many, many people hilariously believed.
Look, I don’t want to Harsh Anyone’s Vibes, but this is exactly what these people deserved. Stop going into the desert, a place where you don’t live, and ruining it! Have people from San Francisco that use the word “disrupt” to describe whatever new app they’re developing ever done anything good for society? Unless they’re still stranded in the desert, the answer is sadly “no.”
Up next: Saturday, Sept. 9, vs. Charlotte, 6:30 p.m. CT, NBC
Michigan (Overall: 1-0; B1G: 0-0)
SP+ rank: Overall 3rd, Offense 11th, Defense 3rd, Special Teams 40th
Previous week’s result: (W) vs. East Carolina, 30-3
Thoughts: The Wolverines are the cringiest team in the country and I don’t think it’s particularly close. With head coach Jim Harbaugh out for the first three games of the season due to a university-imposed suspension, the team came out for their first offensive possession and held up four fingers (his number at Michigan was four) as a tribute to their coach and promptly gained three yards on a swing pass.
Pathetic, nerd shit.
Starting quarterback J.J. McCarthy wore a Harbaugh shirsey with the word “FREE” taped above the name like his coach was being illegally detained in Siberian prison and not “suspended for violating multiple NCAA rules.” My opinions on the NCAA notwithstanding (useless, feckless, unhelpful organization), the fact that Michigan’s QB felt the need to do this is so sad and makes me think less of the program’s chances to win the Big Ten this year.
AND THEN HARBAUGH GIVES A PRESS CONFERENCE LIKE THIS TALKING ABOUT “WE-FENSE?!?!?” Oh my God, please put me out of my misery! Michigan is doing a “Make You Hate Us After Doing Something Cool Like Beating Ohio State Twice” speed run the likes of which we may never have seen. Get these dorks out of my face!
Anywho, Michigan pounded ECU because, despite all of their off-field shenanigans, they are very, very good and ECU isn’t.
Up next: Saturday, Sept. 9, vs. UNLV, 2:30 p.m. CT, CBS
Michigan State (Overall: 1-0; B1G: 0-0)
SP+ rank: Overall 47th, Offense 67th, Defense 27th, Special Teams 18th
Previous week’s result: (W) vs. Central Michigan, 31-7
Thoughts: Man, I don’t know what to say about this team. MSU looked absolutely putrid in the first half, losing to CMU until there were 48 seconds left before halftime, and honestly didn’t look all that much better in the second half despite scoring three touchdowns and shutting out the Chips. The Spartans couldn’t control the line of scrimmage on either side of the ball until late in the game which is, uh, not a great sign for conference play. They were stopped on two separate 4th and 1 plays in the opening half and didn’t record a sack until the CMU o-line wore down late in the game.
Despite not wanting to “hand it” to MSU ever for any reason, this one-handed touchdown catch by Tyrell Henry was incredible. Noah Kim doesn’t look like he has “it” under center and Jalen Berger got 10 fewer carries and gained 89 fewer yards than Nathan Carter. Mel Tucker is in for a long, yet lucrative, year.
Hmmmm, much to consider.
Up next: Saturday, Sept. 9, vs. Richmond, 2:30 p.m. CT, BTN
Ohio State (Overall: 1-0; B1G: 1-0)
SP+ rank: Overall 4th, Offense 8th, Defense 5th, Special Teams 60th
Previous week’s result: (W) at Indiana, 23-3
Thoughts: Ryan Day is a bad football coach and Ohio State is suffering for it. He is soft and so is his team.
Personally, I love to see my OSU pals “going through it” every week while watching the Bucks. It’s the least of what they deserve and it would be hilarious if they lose to Notre Dame (they won’t, Notre Dame stinks) in a couple of weeks because the takes online would reach nuclear levels. Day would need 24/7 security and the city of Columbus might not ever recover from the riots.
Up next: Saturday, Sept. 9, vs. Youngstown State, 11 a.m. CT, BTN
Penn State (Overall: 1-0; B1G: 0-0)
SP+ rank: Overall 9th, Offense 21st, Defense 6th, Special Teams 123rd
Previous week’s result: (W) vs. West Virginia, 38-15
Thoughts: Man, I really don’t like Penn State. Like…at all. As some of you may know, I am from Pennsylvania and so my dislike for the NIttany Lions runs deep. However, you DO have to hand it to them for their aesthetic. Look at that stadium! Beautiful. I hope it gets swallowed up by the earth tomorrow.
Anyways, I’m worried I vastly underestimated this team. QB Drew Allar looks like the real deal and their defense is mean, athletic, and fast. PSU didn’t even run the ball that well (146 yards total, 4.2 ypc) and their running backs are INCREDIBLE. Allar threw for 325 yards and three touchdowns and looked like a freak while doing it.
The Lions had to switch kickers halfway through the game, so, you know…keep an eye on that because #collegekickers could rear its ugly head at any time!
Up next: Saturday, Sept. 9, vs. Delaware, 11 a.m. CT, Peacock
Rutgers (Overall: 1-0; B1G: 1-0)
SP+ rank: Overall 69th (NICE!), Offense 91st, Defense 44th, Special Teams 84th
Previous week’s result: (W) vs. Northwestern, 24-7
Thoughts: The amount of absolutely bonkers catches made by Big Ten wideouts last week was excellent. Super athletic dudes doing cool stuff on the football field will always be awesome, even if it does involve Rutgers and Northwestern prominently.
Do the Scarlet Knights have something cooking out in New Jersey? No, no they do not. They should’ve beaten Northwestern by much more and they didn’t because…they are also bad! What a fun Big Ten conference this is.
Up next: Saturday, Sept. 9, vs. Temple, 6:30 p.m. CT, BTN
Big Ten West
Illinois (Overall: 1-0; B1G: 0-0)
SP+ rank: Overall 52nd, Offense 78th, Defense 19th, Special Teams 13th
Previous week’s result: (W) vs. Toledo, 30-28
Thoughts: Escaping with a season-opening win against Toledo at home thanks to a last second field goal is no way to go through life, Bret Bielema.
I never have had enough chest hair to be able to shave anything into it, but one time in college I shaved the left side of my beard and the right side of my mustache and left the right side of my beard and left side of my mustache alone. Why yes, my girlfriend at the time did not approve and yet many years later she said “yes” when I proposed. Curious!
Up next: Friday, Sept. 8, at Kansas, 6:30 p.m. CT, ESPN2
Iowa (Overall: 0-0; B1G: 0-0)
SP+ rank: Overall 33rd, Offense 93rd, Defense 2nd, Special Teams 30th
Previous week’s result: (W) vs. Utah State, 24-14
Thoughts: The Great Brian Ferentz Needs To Score 25 PPG To Keep His Job Experiment started with a bang, friends. The Hawks opened the season with a 54-yard kickoff return, a 3-yard rush, and then a 36-yard touchdown pass! After 42 seconds of game play, Iowa was already on the board for their beleaguered offensive coordinator!!
After the defense forced a Utah State three and out, the Iowa offense came back out onto the field and marched 75 yards in 11 plays to score ANOTHER touchdown!!! Cade McNamara was cooking with gas, spreading the ball all over the field, and Iowa’s offense looked like a juggernaut. It was a real “Happy learned how to putt, uh-oh” situation for the rest of the Big Ten. Halfway through the FIRST QUARTER and Iowa already had 14 points! They were going to score over 40 and silence the haters and losers for a week, right? Well,,,
Iowa didn’t score again until seven seconds were left in the first half (up to 17 points and on pace for 34!) and then went the entire third quarter without scoring and only scored one touchdown in the fourth quarter. That left them at 24 total points for the game, one point short of the 25 ppg that the Ferentzes were shooting for. Ahhhh yeah, that’s the good stuff. THAT’S the Iowa Hawkeyes football team I know and love. As I’m sure many outlets will be doing this season, we’ll keep track of The Great Brian Ferentz Needs To Score 25 PPG To Keep His Job Experiment all season long.
Up next: Saturday, Sept. 9, at Iowa State, 2:30 p.m. CT, FOX
Minnesota (Overall: 1-0; B1G: 1-0)
SP+ rank: Overall 39th, Offense 79th, Defense 10th, Special Teams 81st
Previous week’s result: (W) vs. Nebraska, 13-10
Thoughts: Minnesota’s offensive line has been very good the past couple of years. I, uh, do not think that will be the case this season. The Gophers ran the ball 25 times for 55 yards (2.2 ypc) and Nebraska recorded three sacks. QB Athan Kaliakmanis, who is bad, barely completed half of his 44 passes, didn’t even crack 200 yards, and threw as many picks (1) as he did touchdowns.
None of that mattered, however, because the Gophers were playing Nebraska and the Ghost of Scott Frost is with that team forever. Minnesota forced four turnovers and the Huskers committed numerous key (for the Gophers) penalties, showing that Matt Rhule has a loooooooong rebuild ahead of him. In a theme throughout the conference this week, Daniel Jackson had one of the most impressive catches (on 4th and 10 no less) I’ve seen in my years watching college football.
This team is probably going to be pretty bad this year. The final year of the Big Ten West will be the division’s finest display yet!
Up next: Saturday, Sept. 9, vs. Eastern Michigan, 6:30 p.m. CT, BTN
Nebraska (Overall: 0-1; B1G: 0-1)
SP+ rank: Overall 55th, Offense 74th, Defense 28th, Special Teams 19th
Previous week’s result: (L) at Minnesota, 13-10
Thoughts: It appears that the stench of the Scott Frost Era is not so easily removed from the Nebraska Cornhuskers football program! What a putrid opening night performance from Matt Rhule and his “new” Huskers. It has been hilarious watching Nebraska fans, who once supported a proud program that won things, cope by saying things like “well, they tried hard through the whole game and you couldn’t say that about Frost’s teams.” Lmaoooooooo, grow up and be serious for one minute! What a pathetic moral victory to take away from a game you were winning in the fourth quarter against a bad Big Ten Minnesota team.
New QB Jeff Sims was who we thought he was (bad at being a quarterback), the team had four turnovers and seven penalties, and they gave up a pair of crucial fourth down conversions to a sub-standard Gophers offense. This team stinks and will probably lose to Coach Prime and Colorado by 50 points this week.
Up next: Saturday, Sept. 9, at Colorado, 11 a.m. CT, FOX
Northwestern (Overall: 0-1; B1G: 0-1)
SP+ rank: Overall 100th, Offense 129th, Defense 57th, Special Teams 90th
Previous week’s result: (L) at Rutgers, 24-7
Thoughts: The Wildcats had 13 (!!!) different receivers catch a pass on Sunday. That’s impressive! Bryce Gallagher had 19 tackles too! He should finish with a ton of those this year since, uh, the NU defense is going to be on the field a lot. The worst part about this game, and trust me…for Northwestern fans just about everything was the worst, was that Rutgers didn’t even play particularly well! And Northwestern STILL looked like a high school JV team in comparison.
Just a disgusting, nasty performance from a squad that could end up being the worst P5 team we’ve seen in recent memory.
Up next: Saturday, Sept. 9, vs. UTEP, 2:30 p.m. CT, BTN
Purdue (Overall: 0-1; B1G: 0-0)
SP+ rank: Overall 64th, Offense 53rd, Defense 81st, Special Teams 118th
Previous week’s result: (L) vs. Fresno State, 39-35
Thoughts: A troubling season-opening loss for a team that very clearly was breaking in a new head coach, new quarterback, and a host of unproven defenders. Fresno State should be decent this year, so maybe this isn’t as surprising a loss as it seems…but I do think it spells trouble for the Boilermakers the rest of the year. Purdue had an 11 point lead in the third quarter and then just needed to stop the Bulldogs from driving all the way down the field in the final four and a half minutes to get the win. They couldn’t.
Sophomore WR Deion Burks did an admirable Rondale Moore impression, catching four passes for 152 yards and two touchdowns. I will be following Burks closely as Moore is one of my favorite Big Ten players of the last decade.
Up next: Saturday, Sept. 9, at Virginia Tech, 11 a.m. CT, ESPN2
Wisconsin (Overall: 1-0; B1G: 0-0)
SP+ rank: Overall 26th, Offense 42nd, Defense 14th, Special Teams 51st
Previous week’s result: (W) vs. Buffalo, 38-17
Thoughts: This was, as they say, a tale of two halves. If we are looking at this game rationally (I’m not and never will) the Badgers weren’t in serious jeopardy of losing at any point. They were clearly the better, more talented, team and, like it usually does, that won out in the end. However, Wisconsin’s play in the first half stunk! They looked bad on both sides of the ball and were only up four at halftime against the Bulls!!
New QB Tanner Mordecai had an unimpressive debut, although some will note the dropped 60-yard TD bomb by Skyler Bell severely impacted Mordecai’s stat line especially since he threw a pick two plays later, the run defense (despite being excellent on short yardage plays) wasn’t up to snuff, the pass rush was non-existent and very few havoc plays were created by anyone on the defense, and the Badgers turned it over twice. Against most other FBS teams, that’s a recipe for a loss.
The Badgers DID have some positives on Saturday though. Braelon Allen and Chez Mellusi formed a beautiful one-two punch in the backfield, both rushing for over 100 yards and each finding the endzone twice. Will Pauling looked really reliable as a slot WR and freshman TE Tucker Ashcraft didn’t seem to know he shouldn’t be playing so well in his first career game. Hunter Wohler was all over the field making tackles and the defense usually forced Buffalo off the field on third down. UW also only committed three penalties (compared to Buffalo’s seven) which is a far cry from how Luke Fickell’s Cincinnati teams played.
The main thing that I loved about this game? Wisconsin and Fickell made adjustments at halftime because they weren’t playing as well as they’d hoped in the first half! That is not always something that happened in the past and it was a pleasant surprise. I’m not WORRIED about this Wisconsin team, as I think the first game under a new coach is always one where kinks get worked out on the fly. I think this team will continue to improve as the season goes on and we probably won’t see their best football for another month or so. Mordecai probably won’t have a better run all year than the one where he juked the Buffalo defender out of his cleats though.
Hopefully the in-stadium DJ gets the levels set for the next home game because it was, apparently, too damn loud the entire game. Also, should Soulja Boy really be played at a sporting event in 2023? Do the students even know who that is?
Up next: Saturday, Sept. 9, at Washington State, 6:30 p.m. CT, ABC
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